Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
