Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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