the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
