I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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