my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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