I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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