Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize