My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
