he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
