I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
