Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
