I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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