I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
