Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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