dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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