it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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