just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
