i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
