I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
