wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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