so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
