Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
