do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
