we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
