dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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