dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
