Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
