yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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