You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
