my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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