PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
