half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
