I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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