Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
