You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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