hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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