Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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