well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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