I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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