If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
