plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
