i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
