She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
