You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
