So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
