You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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