i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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