Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
