there's paper in my vomit.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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