Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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