Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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