She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
