where am i from again
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
