i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
