I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
